Scripts.

2012-01-31T23:14:00.002+08:00

This is soo funny!! And Adele is such a cutie.

About two more weeks till the long awaited holidays. Just got to endure...

2012-01-29T00:42:00.006+08:00

Loving their latest cover! One of my favourites has got to be 'Officially missing you' which they did a couple of years back. Ohh 'Nobody', 'Price tag' and 'Breakeven' too!

Hope they'll come to Singapore again cause I really want to see them perform live.

2012-01-26T00:13:00.000+08:00

So adorable!!

2012-01-20T21:33:00.008+08:00

Plan for Wenyi's belated 18th celebration last Saturday went well! :)

So happy that the surprise went very well (although a little bit fail only), and my dear did not even see this coming!

She thought it was just us two on a usual date for some shopping and catching up. She was so surprised when she saw the familiar faces as we walked into the restaurant and when they started singing out loud, hehe.

Had a good lunch @ Manhattan Fish Market and a great time @ Playnation with her & the guys till night.

I'm glad she enjoyed herself on that day, cause that's what matters.

Was having a terrible morning yesterday, decided to call to see if she could meet up. Felt so bad that I was late even though I was the one who called her out and she gladly requested to come all the way to Boon Lay as I had something on over there.. Had a good talk over dessert and did some shopping too!
Just like that, I felt as if my bad day was saved.

I miss the good old secondary days. Yeah some immaturity and stupidity here and there, but mostly filled with fun happiness and lots of love. Even studying back then wasn't as tough as a cumulative Gpa. In poly it feels like you're taking O levels every single semester and that's madness, stress level to the maximum. But we just got to cope and live with it right

Everything was much easier back then.

Ok I shall tumblr before having an early night to repay my sleep debt. x

2012-01-19T00:32:00.000+08:00

e m p t y

2012-01-07T22:59:00.000+08:00

I am so exhausted, early night for me today.

2012-01-06T23:43:00.013+08:00

Just typed out a super long ass post but.. decided not to post it.

And then I realized I have tons of drafts under my posts section, those that I type a lot whenever I was feeling fucked up. Then I'll sort of try to calm down and end up not posting them cause after typing out all that I had to let out, I always felt a little better. A little.

Wow there's really so many of such posts over the past year, it's kind of painful and sadistic to read them.

Just now while scrolling down the 'edit posts' tab, I came across a post created by P in Feb 2010, we were still together then. That day he was overseas and had created a draft post in hope I'd see his message and I did, surprisingly. I remember I was having a super bad day at school and I don't usually go to the 'edit posts' tab but that day I just decided to and chanced upon his message, that made me so so very happy. Afew days later, he surprised me at the school's back gate the day after he returned to Singapore and I was so happy when I saw him that I ran towards him..

But yeah that was Feb 2010.

Seems like just not long ago. Seems like forever ago.

And now it's January 2012............ A very lost girl I am.

Thank you for such a great time that day! And Gy too :)

2011-12-31T18:37:00.002+08:00

Hi.... using the app to blog rn. I actually wanted to blog like a really long post about how this year has been with tons of photos in it but I haven't had the time to just sit down infront of the laptop and slowly reflect and type. Now since I've got some time before heading out, shall hurry post a really short one!

This week: Shopping with mum, went to JB for a day, visited three museums with Jiamin & Salwah, Sleepover @ cousin's, Visited my dear grandparents whom I've almost forgotten are already so old, Shopping with Shimin & slept over her place last night and just came back home this afternoon.

And so today.. It's new year's eve already. Gosh. This week past by unusually slowly but this year.. This year whizzed by too fast, it was pretty hard for me to catch up with time. 2011 was a really good year, in fact, it was one of my best years. Not the best-est, but definitely one of the best. There are too many reasons why it's one of the best but most of it are just the littlest things/moments in life that I've learnt to appreciate and love, like chatting about anything under the sun with a bunch of friends over a drink or being able to help a stranger in need or seeing an old couple walking hand in hand around the park when the sun's about to set. I'll always smile when I think of the good moments with my dear friends. 
Ah but 2011 was also a terrible and very empty year. Learnt many lessons, most of them too late. Had to deal with alot of shit this year too, esp studies.

How can a year be such a great one but also the worst so far?

Well anyhow, I hope you had a good and fulfilling year. Abrupt ending here cause I gtg prepare! Happy new year to all and hope the next will be an even better year!! :)
I really really hope it will be a much much better year for me.

2011-12-24T22:51:00.006+08:00

Wow this fulfilling week passed by so quickly.

Gift exchange with T03, birthday surprise for Ms Lavina, another gift exchange with the cousins, short excursion trip with Salwah Jiamin & Chanel!

But the best days were Tuesday & Friday. Date with Wenyi on tues - Everything was impromptu and just perfectly great. Talked a lot over a good lunch, and initial plan was shopping @ town but we ended up travelling north for karaoke. We should really have such dates more often! & yes, Sherlock Holmes + lunch with Ahmala Guangyi & Tianxi yesterday :)

I didn't realize I watched countless movies over the past few weeks until I found a whole stack of tickets in my bag and drawer while cleaning up my room today. Oh yes, giving my room a little makeover. Gonna print photos and buy frames and have them up on my wall soon!

Anyway I'm really glad that despite our busy schedules and our own lives to deal with, we still make time to meet up and just spend time together :)

Ok about an hour to go before midnight! Merry Christmas everyone! :)

2011-12-21T23:30:00.002+08:00

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

2011-12-17T18:36:00.002+08:00

At least I look happy... I think.

But do I feel happy? Am I happy? That's an entirely different story.

Holidays are finally here! :) This half of sem2 passed by very quickly with the overload of assignments and everything else that was going on. Just a short break of three weeks but.. it's better than nothing.

It kind of scares me how fast time flies. Like really fly.

And I thought they say, you say, everyone says: 'It will all get better in time'

But that's just bullshit.

2011-11-23T23:44:00.005+08:00

I hope you had a good time today or is still having a good time at this hour right now.. and may all your wishes come true. Happy birthday P

2011-11-23T01:03:00.005+08:00

Creative arts lecturer shared this to us during one of the lectures this semester and I was moved to tears.

Just watched it again. Don't need to understand the lyrics of the song he was singing, but you can feel a bit of sorrow, pain and his love for his mother.

I think he got out just a few episodes before the final.. Hope that wherever he is right now, he is alright and he will grow up to be a fine happy handsome gentleman.

2011-11-20T11:39:00.009+08:00

Phu just left my place not long ago. It was an impromptu decision. We were talking on the phone till past midnight and she suddenly wanted to come over and so she did at 1am+ and we had a good time talking for half the night :') So sleepy right now, wish I could sleep the entire day away but I've got an assignment due tomorrow and I'm nowhere near halfway yet...

E-learning this whole week, really glad there's no school. Need a break from all the boring lectures and tutorials.

2011-11-17T23:48:00.003+08:00

Want to watch this so badly. Heard it's really good and touching!

So I actually took a self-proclaimed day off today as I didn't feel like going to school and I had a huge load of assignments to complete but.... it was a pretty unproductive day. Feel like skipping school tomorrow too but I can't cause of presentation and I shall not, before it becomes a habit.

And it's been long since I've been on tumblr. I used to tumblr every few nights and it always made me feel better. Okay maybe not always. But yeah.

There's been a lot of things going on around me lately, to the people around me. And I feel helpless that all I can do is listen and give a little advice. Sad too cause hearing about their problems reminds of my past sometimes. I just want the people around me to be happy. Such a simple wish, surely it can be granted?

I miss my secondary school friends. Recently I've met up with Phu Tx Gy Ahmala. I was so glad that Saturday when Ahmala came over to spend the day with me. I needed that, just a day at home with a best friend to talk to, watch movies and spend time with.

I miss the rest. I miss those times during secondary school, the good old happy times.

I'm getting really sleepy and I don't even.. nevermind. Shall turn in early tonight.

2011-11-17T14:21:00.004+08:00

Want to slap you across your face real hard.

2011-11-16T21:43:00.012+08:00

A week more to your birthday, "a special day", you used to say.

I suddenly remember the card you gave to me on my 15th which made me tear. Haha. That was one of the many sweet cards/letters you wrote to me. Oh I remember I gave you an 8pages card for one of your birthdays, but you accidentally misplaced it and I was so upset I kept bringing it up to make you feel guilty, hahaha. Put alot of effort into that card, and our 1st year anniversary card too, which made you tear before you sat for your O level paper.

And there was that black book which I used to write into whenever I missed you or I was unhappy about something silly. Refused to let you see it until months later and you were tearing and smiling while reading everything that I wrote into that book.

Oh! And the tissue paper too, the most last minute and least effort put in "card". So many many cards and letters we wrote to each other. One of the best and cutest was the one you made for me on Valentines' 2009. It was the best Valentines ever.

The day you got your O level results I cried and you were really disappointed with yourself. You wanted me by your side and so I rushed to your place after school despite having to go for tuition and I just felt so helpless but I was happy that you were happy I was there with you.

One time we stayed back after school and you came to me asking which animal asked the most whys and you said pig and I asked why without thinking and you burst out laughing.. Hahaha. So cute.

And those afternoons when you sacrificed your time just to accompany me during cca to paint the walls outside art room though you had your dnt to rush. Not just those times.. You sacrificed so much time in the world just for me, just for us. Even if it meant travelling long distances just to see me for a few minutes, you would do it. I miss how we would talk on the phone every night unless we really couldn't. We talked about how our day went, talked about stuff, I would gossip so much I wonder how you could even bear to listen to me bitching away, we talked about the future, about our future together. And those sad times when I made you unhappy you made me unhappy both of us were unhappy but we couldn't stay unhappy at each other for long.

I loved how the sight of you or the sound of your voice would cheer me up immediately whenever I was feeling down due to school or friendship problems. I loved how you would surprise me once in a while.

I miss the happy times we spent at home watching movies, talking about anything, just lazing around, and spending time together. It was simple bliss. And the very last time you called me yours, I loved the sound of it so much. I didn't know it would be the last time you'll ever have our names said together.

Also for the 2 years we were together, I'll always remember those times when you would remind me of how much you love me and you wouldn't ever leave me. Ever.

Sorry, I'm experiencing a whirlpool of flashbacks right now.

2011-11-10T22:20:00.000+08:00

I miss you so much, yet there is nothing I can do about it.

2011-10-28T00:45:00.001+08:00

Exactly 3 years ago this date... And 2 years ago... And just last year..

Seems like it has been forever since you've been gone.

Time really flies when all I do is think of you, us, the things we've done together, and me when I felt like the happiest girl. But that's all I can do, just think of you, and live in the memories that are still alive. I can't see you anymore, can't feel you anymore, can't hear your voice that used to brighten me up immediately, can't touch you anymore, can't feel the love you used to shower on me so dearly anymore..

This year right now, I just don't know how long I've been staying strong for, and what exactly am I fighting for.

I'm still all alone. I've tried again and again but I'm still unable to bring myself to accept someone new, to open my heart again and love another guy.

And what about you dear ...?

2011-10-16T16:33:00.001+08:00

***

Not really looking forward to tomorrow.

The start of sem2 = me chasing after time, me chasing after assignment datelines, lack of sleep.

I was hoping we would have 11am classes daily this sem but no. Monday-Thursday starts at 9am and Friday starts at 8am. Wtf seriously... I'm going to lose a lot of sleep. Previous sem was just two days 9am and the rest 11am! I really dislike this sem's daily starting time.

Hope this sem goes smoothly. And it's time I stop whining, complaining, and doing assignments so last minute even though that seems to be the best way for me to push myself to work.

Really hope this course brings me somewhere good.

Love is something you can shape when it breaks. All it takes is some trying.

Everytime I fight the urge to call you, just hear your voice, talk to you about how you've been, or maybe look for you, I always wonder if you ever do that too.

2011-10-07T22:06:00.004+08:00

I love spending time with them! Though it's only 1/4 of the group..

But still, we had a great time and I hope we can hang out more often when school starts :)

Sooo, a week+ more till semester 2 begins.

Am I prepared? No.. Did I do anything productive this holiday? Not really...

Besides work, acapella, and hanging out with friends, I did nothing that I really wanted to do. Like self-reflect a little and maybe lose some weight. But no. None of that.

I think there's a lot of unfinished business from the past with different people and it needs to be settled, regardless of whether it's going to result in a happy 'conclusion' or a sad one. Some things that I would like to know, some things that I would want to apologize for. But oh well... Can't be sure if the other party would want to bring up the past again. Maybe I'll just let it be? I don't know. But nevermind, for now.

2011-10-02T01:15:00.003+08:00

Just had a 3hour conversation over the phone with dearest Afiqah catching up and talking about stuff, bullshit, the future, the past, problems, life.... Everything. Feels really good cause it's been so long since we last talked like this!

What have I been up to lately? Work, Acapella (Performance end of this month oh my goddd), catching up with people, dealing with shit that happens, appreciating the good times, and more work.

Okay actually, not much of work. My job's really, really simple. I have way too much free time at work these days! So when I'm done with my daily tasks or whatever boss has asked of me, I'm either watching stuff on youtube, or on tumblr (beautiful-malice.tumblr.com), surfing about random things or favourite celebrities like charming Ed Westwick, or daydreaming.

I kind of like it :) rather than be choked up with endless work to do till knock-off at 5pm.

Almost 2am now. Got to sleep soon else I won't be able to wake up in time tmr!

Some photos below... From visit to Atiqah's house, Phu's birthday, and yesterday's (saturday) karaoke session w Jiamin, Shimin & Jill :)

So it's October already. Time flies real fast huh?

Though so much time has passed since then, there is this one thing that never changed.

Goodnight. xoxo

2011-09-17T23:42:00.004+08:00

This week past by real fast.

Work went pretty smoothly... Dislike waking up at 7 + in the morning so much though. Previously I would sleep till noon without any worries and it was so good but now can't already.

Work's actually quick slack but I really hope they give me more stuff to do and those that requires thinking + time consuming, b'cos even work isn't big enough of a distraction to keep my mind from wandering off and making me shudder at my own thoughts and flashbacks.

Hope I'll have slightly more things to do next week! It's a little boring having nothing to do after 3pm since I'm done with my tasks and all I can do is surf the net.

Good news here! I started going for acapella practice this week :)

It's good news cause I've been lazy and missing practices since the start of holidays..

It was good fun and I really enjoyed myself. Reminded myself of why I decided to even audition for this cca in the first place and how much I enjoyed jamming sessions previously.

Performance coming up in October. I hope I get the part I want this time round.

So now there will be practices twice or maybe even thrice a week till Oct! It's going to be real tiring, reaching home just before midnight and not bothering about anything else but sleep. But it will be fun, I'm suree.

Met up with Jiamin yesterday for dinner and had a good time talking, laughing, and really just being plain silly in public. Shall not elaborate cause it's so.. so... embarrassing.

Dinner was good! Spent almost 2hours in Swensens just slowly eating and talking alot.

Looking forward to the next meet-up :) :)

Today! Another long and crazy day.

A few of us gathered to surprise Miss Kong as her birthday's next week :)

She left though, after lunch and arcade. Then we were so bored we decided to go for karoake!

Uploaded the rest of the photos in facebook already! 200 photos. Heh.

Enjoyed myself this week despite whatever unhappy stuff.

Shall rest for the whole of tomorrow before I really collapse due to fatigue.

When the rain is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case, I could offer you a warm embrace to make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear, and there is no one there to dry your tears, I could hold you for a million years to make you feel my love.

Goodnight, and sweetest dreams to you.

2011-09-11T15:01:00.003+08:00

I'm seventeen. Certainly doesn't feel like it...

So Wednesday 07/09 started real early when Adam (youngest bro) woke me up to tell me he's making me breakfast. Heheh so sweet.

Then at about noon time, a couple of my cousins came over with a home made ice-cream cake which was so sooo good! One of the best cakes I've ever tasted.

Got ready after they left and out I went.

Thank you to....

~ The 9 who came! Wenyi, Guangyi, Phulwin, Don, Bjorn, Shengwei, Ahmala, Atiqah and Tricia :)

I know some of you are really busy and actually had plans but still made the time to come down so I really do appreciate it! And Ahmala and Wenyi have the most important ever promo exams this month and yet still made the time to write cards, make a collage, buy gifts, and spend time with me on my birthday :)

~ Phulwin for planning this although the plan abit fail, hahaha.

And for the surprises in between! I was really surprised about Ahmala, Atiqah and Tricia coming, and also surprised that you left and came back again with a cake.

~ Ahmala for lying to me and making me so damn upset when you said you couldn't make it due to extra lesson plus pw and then suddenly appearing out of nowhere with a cheeky smile and guilty look along with Atiqah & Tricia ;)

~ Mum & Dad for the cake, the card, birthday wishes, and the lovely gifts!

~ Those who wrote/made cards/gifts.

~ And everyone else who wished, be it through text/call/facebook/twitter :)

Half of my birthday wish came true pretty last minute.

The other half of my birthday wish... :( I wonder when it will ever come true. Hah.

Anw, first day of work tmr! Mum applied this job on my behalf on the same day I went to the job agency (retail job) with Phu. Then I went for interview on Friday, got it on the spot.

So bye to retail job + many hours of standing and hello to admin duties + assisting in events at hotels!

xoxo

2011-09-08T16:57:00.004+08:00

Supposed to meet up w Nikki today as she'll be leaving to US for four years on Saturday :(

But I finally had the energy and just got out of bed.. Feeling damn sick today even after extra dosage of medicine. Plus a terrible migraine and whole body aching. I hope I don't wake up with a high fever tomorrow!

Half of the time yesterday my mind was somewhere else. Wondering if you have completely forgotten.

And again, I broke my promise and went looking.... Really should stop acting on impulse.

Wish you were there though, but it was so still and quiet though lights were on.

So many things I wish I could say if I saw you. So many many things.

Last year this time we still had each other. But this year right now, I miss you so much, I wish I knew about what's going on in your life, I wish I could tell you things like I used to tell you every single thing.

But you're not mine anymore. Not mine to miss anymore..

When will I ever get that into my already exhausted heart and mind?

But really, thank you for wishing a few minutes before the day was over and wanting to be the last.

It means a lot to me.

2011-09-06T20:16:00.003+08:00

Feeling very very sleepy right now! And very happy too :)

Past few days went by quite fast!

Slacked for the whole of Friday @ cousin's place watching movies; talking; Mac delivery for lunch.

Spent time with family on Saturday! After dinner they surprised me with a cake though I told them they don't need to buy one and presents in advance which I loveee.

Sunday just wasn't my day :( Met up with Nikki but was in a terrible mood cause I was almost cashless and my Nets kind of died on me so I ended up coming home early since banks are closed on Sundays.

Yesterday was MUCH BETTER!

Went to the bank and they issued me a new card without any charges, hehe.

Impromptu decision to meet up with Julian & co. for lunch and as usual I had a great time :)

Jiamin & Shimin came over in the evening and first surprised me with this very lovely card made by them and the other 5 girls

Heh I couldn't stop smiling and laughing while reading all of their messages

Went to JP for dinner and some shopping.

Spend the night talking, camwhoring, manicure, movies......

By about 3am we were exhausted!

Hahaha so much for wanting to stay up the whole night. Well that's the point of sleepovers right?

Woke up bright and early at 9am + !

JP again for breakfast then back home, feeling very sleepyyyyy.

Tried to sleep but this Shimin just had to disturb me.

Shimin left in the afternoon while Jiamin & I went to do some shopping!

Shopping shopping shopping. Spending when I'm not even earning! Sighhh.

Anyway, it was a great great time with both of them :)

I'm pretty excited about tomorrow!

Don't know the exact plans, don't know who's coming. Just know I got to be somewhere at a certain time. Alright. All will go well.... I'm sure.

Xoxo

2011-09-01T21:04:00.000+08:00

Despite having to wake up at 6am+ and travel to Bmss, despite having some mixed uneasy feelings after seeing a few certain people there, despite the super hot weather, despite some things that affected my mood for a while, 本小姐 is in a good mood rn!

Hahahah okay no particular reason actually. But hmm it was a pretty good day :)
Got to see my lovely secondary co. (bumped into Ahmala before leaving Clark Quay heheh) and beloved teachers especially Miss Kong and Miss Prema! Secured a temp job thanks to Phulwin but don't know where yet. Gossip gossip gossip. Met up w Benny and it was a good time as usual! :) Got an advanced handmade written birthday card from a good friend and I couldn't stop smiling when I was reading it. It's really great having true good friends in life.

Almost 2 weeks have passed.
Wendy left for Bangkok (6 weeks) on 28th and won't be here on my birthday :(
Been watching movies/drama and because of that I'm kind of turning nocturnal, again.
Sighhhhh what to do when school starts? Hope new timetable won't have any 9am classes this time round. First sem we had 9am classes on Mondays and that was just horrible.

Okay.... got asked many times on what I need or want for my birthday and almost every answer I gave seemed incomplete and hanging in the air.

What I want? I just want.. to be happy.
I won't say I'm unhappy with life now. But I don't feel very happy either. And worst part is I hate the reason why.

Oh weeeelllz.

It's the good things that keep me going. Even if it's the littlest things :)

***

2011-08-28T23:33:00.002+08:00

I'm here without you baby, but you're still on my lonely mind.

I think about you baby, and I dream about you all the time.

I'm here without you baby, but you're still with me in my dreams.

I would do anything to take the past few years back, change a few things..

But this is not the time to regret, feel sad about life and look back so much on the past, is it?

Today could have been another 2 months before 3 years.

Could have been.

But no Meliza, no. You can dream every single day all you want but you really have to wake up from this painful nightmare and treasure the people and moments worth your time and love.

I'll try....

2011-08-22T16:29:00.002+08:00

有时候我会问自己，到底在拼什么？

2011-08-22T00:04:00.007+08:00

Why can't I just get into a fucking coma and forget that relationship?

He's with her now. Saw it with my own eyes and can't un-see it. Just fucking deal with it, okay?

2011-08-21T23:02:00.005+08:00

***

GUESS WHAT! SCHOOL'S OUT. HOLIDAYS TILL OCTOBER!
SO so sooo many things to do. Hang out with poly friends, catch up with my dear secondary friends, Julian & co., Nikki & Brits, Benny... And this and that.

Also, hopefully get a job and earn some $$ for saving! And shopping too, duh.

Okay...

Who am I kidding. Myself?

2011-08-13T23:02:00.003+08:00

2011-08-11T12:33:00.000+08:00

Feels pretty good with two burdens off!

Another 9 more days to persevere and try to fill myself up with as much knowledge and info as I can for the upcoming 2 major exams and I'll be FREEEE.

For 2 months, that is.

I think we all deserve this good break after going mad over assignments/presentations and whatever. Esp business school friends. They seem really busy and more stressed over the past few months.

Really nervous and a little panicky for the exams cause I seriously know nuts. But it's okay, I'll pull through, like I always do. Even if it means not getting a good grade.. It's totally okay.

August is no better than July but oh wellz, kind of expected it already.

Some little good things here and there. Helping others seem to be of greater joy to me right now.

And on the brighter side, some things remain the same and no matter what, nothing will change it. I would love if those things stay the same way.

But you know.. Life has it's own way of playing its tricks and things just happen out of the blue, without any warning. So unpredictable.

If it's good things, then good.

If it's bad, then just got to deal with it.

2011-08-08T10:29:00.001+08:00

2011-08-04T22:15:00.001+08:00

Haven't broken down so badly like last night for quite a long time.
Felt so terribly angry at myself while I was crying but I don't know why, I couldn't stop.

2am in the morning, no one to call, not even my best friends, to pour my heart out to.

But would I call even if I knew they were awake? Guess not. Cause it's the same old thing and I doubt they'll be surprised. And I can't, I'll never let them see that side of me again cause it hurt them so bad the previous time and that hurts me even more.

How I wish the magic charm Obliviate was for real. All the memories, they seem so fresh, as though happened recently, even though it was a year or two years back.

Really sweet memories, the sweetest you'll ever hear. But they break me so hard, they can almost kill.

And how I wish, it would just.

2011-08-01T20:47:00.007+08:00

***

This month of August is going to be all about perseverance & determination.

Without them, I can kiss my assignment grades goodbye and be prepared to retake modules. I've got two examinable modules and exams are at the end of this month. And.. I know nuts about them.

Many assignment dates catching up on me too..

I think I wasn't this bothered during O level period. I remember I didn't study till afew weeks before the first paper and after my friends started getting worried then only I started.

And now, I don't get by a day where I'm constantly reminded that datelines are nearing. Stress!!!

Aside from studies, I'm letting everything else flow the way it wants to. You know, just letting nature take its own course even if it means no happiness for the next god knows how long.

Oh, and so much for running away from peer pressure to create twitter cause I finally did on Thursday. Ha!

Quite a bad feeling about August but still, I wish for everything to go smoothly, especially for my dearest & closest friends :) Even more esp for Ahmala & Wenyi. Scary to see their promo exams coming and they're so stressed.

And also to those.... whom I still care for and keep close to my heart even though they've left.

2011-07-29T00:31:00.002+08:00

Miss those secondary school days with Wendy & Atiqah and the rest of them.

After so long, finally met up with them for breakfast :) :)

Second time ever, having deluxe @ mac and goodness, it's damn filling...

Getting fatter already :( Must start working out soooon. But this lazy ass of mine. *sigh*

I'm actually feeling very sleepy now BUT WHY MUST THE PAIN ACT UP.

HOW I SLEEP NOW HOW HOW HOW

Hope the med that doctor prescribed is much stronger, as he claims to be.

Heh but doesn't matter if I take hours to fall asleep cause tutorial is at 1pm today ^^

July was another bitch to me with just a few good things here and there.

I don't have a good feeling about August.

Maybe I shouldn't be too pessimistic. But I just don't know how to anymore.

2011-07-27T10:51:00.007+08:00

So cute ;)

Missed dad's flight this morning :(

Only when he called did I realize I didn't wake up to send him off. Some kind of daughter I am.

Supposed to be strolling to tutorial class now but I'm at home waiting for mum to bring me to the doctor..

Actually rest is not the thing I need. And neither do I want an op. Strong painkillers is what I need.

Sunday afternoon.. I don't know what came over me, but I went by your place.

Was I expecting to see you? Yes I was. But who was I kidding. Nobody was home.

But what if I did see you? I probably won't do anything either but just watch from the side, and having a conflict with myself on whether I should show myself with hope that you feel the same, or just watching you is enough to keep me happy.

Soon before you know it, life is going to change again. Things are going to be different again.

2011-07-25T14:35:00.003+08:00

The idea of getting a guitar and taking up lessons sounds good, yes?

Would be nice to sing and play the acoustic guitar.

2011-07-22T23:49:00.004+08:00

Horrible morning because of the heavy rain, extremely boring tutorial in the afternoon, after school spent time scrolling down someone's twitter page while lepaking with Jiamin and laughing at some tweets cause I'm such a sadist but truth is though I'm over what happened between us I still care a little bit but too bad you've changed haven't you?, then spize + swirl art with the above girls ♥ :) :)

2011-07-21T22:43:00.003+08:00

And here I am always complaining to mum about the lack of time I have for assignments hahaha.

So many things happening... I was trying to recall my schedule for the upcoming few days. Hope this is it. I need time for my assignments!

I'm looking forward most to Sunday :) So long never meet up w Julian and co already.

Also meeting up w Afiqah/Qianni/Jiajin and Wendy/Atiqah after quite a long time.

Anyway today was a terrible day... I was feeling super cranky and moody. Not PMS. I blame it on lack of sleep, inner conflict and some personal problems here and there which I actually don't want to care about.

Got rid of one by ignoring, another comes. And then the other comes back. Bloody annoying.

Getting such text messages only ruin my mood. Cannot stand such boys who can't see what's already so obvious.

How I wish...... hmmmm

There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out of the dark.

It does some magic to my already broken tired heart.

It's 50% of what runs in my mind the entire day. Even before I sleep surprisingly. But then I think of P too... And then I'll struggle so hard to sleep so to get rid of it.

And I'm so sorry, I lied about my feelings.

You're one of my bestest friends and I don't want you to worry.

But trust me when I say I'm fine. Just fine.

I miss you and hope you're really alright when you say it too.

***

2011-07-17T12:11:00.004+08:00

If the hero never comes to you
If you need someone; you're feeling blue
If you wait for love and you're alone
If you call your friends; nobody's home

You can run away but you can't hide
Through a storm and through a lonely night
Then I'll show you there's a destiny
The best things in life; they are free

But if you wanna cry, cry on my shoulder
If you need someone who cares for you
If you're feeling sad, your heart gets colder
Yes I'll show you what real love can do

If your sky is grey, oh let me know
There's a place in heaven where we'll go
If heaven is a million years away
Oh, just call me and I'll make your day
When the nights are getting cold and blue
When the days are getting hard for you
I will always stay here by your side
I promise you, I'll never hide

We were so innocent back then, unaware that we were about to fall deeply in love and still, end up hurting each other after going through so much.

My life is a little bit messy now. But when I think of you, everything feels better somehow. However.. There are times when I think of you and that makes breathing even harder.

I love this song, and I miss you so much but I really, really, try not to cry anymore.

If only you knew what is happening under the surface of happiness, and cared.

2011-07-15T22:21:00.002+08:00

^ My class. As you can see, all pretty girls. One of our lecturers. Only one guy in this photo. And another quite-good-looking guy who didn't come.

I love hanging out w my new friends.

But I miss my old dear ones so badly.

On the surface, everything's happy and good.

2011-07-12T19:11:00.003+08:00

***

Mirror mirror hanging on the wall, you don't have to tell me who's the biggest fool of all.

Hmmm. Shall go night cycling some time next week if I'm free. Went for a walk at a nearby park last night and there's something nice about the cool breeze that calms me down.

Please please please I want the part for the song we're performing for Klavier so so so badly! Although it's just backing vocals and not lead, I enjoy singing that part sooo much so please give it to me. *crosses fingers*

Don't screw up again tomorrow like you did last week Meliza!

Okay wish me luck ;)

2011-07-10T20:49:00.001+08:00

Haven't you had enough? Doesn't knowing that he's with another now make you hate him? Why are you still crying and being all pathetic? When will you stop hurting and depriving yourself? Why hasn't your faith died? When will you ever give up? Why do you still want him, why do you still love him? What the fuck is wrong with you?

A dip in the pool, let the chill numb my senses and just let the silence of the young night take over.

2011-07-09T23:03:00.001+08:00

Today's flea shopping trip is the worst of all my flea trips cause the weather was super duper hot, almost all the stuff that I really wanted is crowded with people so I didn't get a chance to check them out, and I ended up buying just a pouch ONLY. Xinyu ended up getting nothing and we were both so disappointed. Like some kind of frustrated feeling that we didn't get anything worthy. Haha.

After another short round around the flea, Best Fries Forever + Bought a dress @ Cine :) :)

Still don't know where to bring mum to tomorrow!

Got so many things to be done before school on Monday and I don't feel like pushing myself to start on my work :(

Can't even think of any motivation or whatsoever to stop procrastinating and study hard.

2011-07-08T22:51:00.007+08:00

Busiest week in July with all the assignment datelines coming and Klavier on the 16th.

Really really reaalllyyyy hope to get the part for the song we're performing!
Yesterday was such a terrible and demoralizing day.. Hope next Wed I'll do better and get the part after practicing the song over and over and over again like wherever; in the shower, humming in the bus and only realizing it after awhile, when Mum is talking, hahaha.

I like it when I'm all occupied, huge distractions here and there (hate assignments part though). But sometimes it's just not enough.

Why oh why do you have to put such a test on me?

IT'S ALRIGHT IT'S OKAY.

You're fine. I'll be fine...............

2011-07-07T23:22:00.004+08:00

2011-07-06T23:18:00.004+08:00

I sit by myself, talking to the moon, trying to get to you.

In hope you're on the other side, talking to me too. Or am I a fool?

White solo beats or Floral Dr. Martens or both or none?

I think the headphones are really chio but I want, and need the Dr. Martens so so badly.

Haha k la, it's more of a want.

Holidays hurry come = work = $$

Cross fingers and hope to get an easy recep/admin job but good pay hehe.

School @ 11am for just a 2 hours IT module tutorial and got back assignment grade which totally ruined my entire morning. The lecturer couldn't even give me a reasonable answer for giving me a C. Seriously..

After school, initial plan was movie @ Tiong but I wasn't very interested in Monte Carlo so off we went to Bugis for buffet and some shopping! Had a good time with the girls :)

Great time at Aca as usual after that and just reached home not long ago, feeling so so tired yet here I am, supposedly getting some part of an assignment done. Yeah supposedly.

So yes I was saying, good time with the girls!

I hope tomorrow will be a good day too.

2011-07-05T18:34:00.001+08:00

It was a really sweet yet very bitter moment.

Nevertheless there's something about this photo that makes me laugh and smile to myself.

Finally, a day where I'm home early!

I've got to start at least one out of the many assignments I have tonight cause I just realized I'm lagging far far far behind my friends in my work :/

I cannot wait to get all the assignments over and done with.

But so many things going on everyday.. Busy busy. I used to manage my time well but now.. Ha.

I also can't wait for the 2months holidays! I want to work. Yesyes I want even though it's just 2months.

Hopefully I'll be able to work as some admin or receptionist but seriously which company would want 2months part time/temporary only..

I doubt my ex company would want to hire me for just 2 months! Ah but sigh, I do miss all of the young-at-heart adults over there.

I hope I'm not too lazy to go job hunting 2weeks before the holidays start.

Out with the girls tomorrow and Aca after that and Thurs night :) :)

2011-07-04T23:33:00.001+08:00

Don't you think about telling him how much you miss him

Don't you think about approaching him to ask if he cares about you anymore

Don't you EVEN think of going to look for him cause... he may not want to see you at all.

I can only see you in my dreams, so I sleep alot.

How fast you move on, how fast.

Dear you never got a chance to see me change for the even better, for you, for myself.

Still my deepest regret.

2011-07-01T22:28:00.004+08:00

Maybe I wasn't even worth all his love and such perfection from the very start.

2011-07-01T15:59:00.005+08:00

Feeling very very very long-hair deprived :( And my hair's taking such a long time to grow till my desired length.

Having tutorial now and i don't understand what the lecturer's saying.

I feel like singing, I feel like shopping, I feel like watching some drama, I feel like jamming together with Aca, I feel like doing nothing, I feel like dreaming.

Got a couple of performances in the month of July, nervous & excited :)

Yes it's July already.. How time flies. Feels like forever since.. :(

July please be good to me.

2011-06-29T10:52:00.006+08:00

In many ways, I still prefer secondary school studies. Having proper textbooks to refer to for every subject and even clear good notes from teachers. Everything has some reference for us to study and revise for the exams.

I miss doing Amath! No joke. I used to do A math over E math anytimeee.

I miss Chem/Bio too. My old enemy hehe. F9 for prelims to B3 for O levels. K la, quite proud of myself.

I'll do Chem/Bio over my course assignments anytime too.

The English is much easier as compared to the english we're doing now in Poly. Written Communication & Speech Training- two of the language kind of modules we're studying rn. I like ST but I hate writ comm cause we have to do essays :(

Honestly I don't know where I'm headed in this course. Yeah it's a very specific course that will lead me to this specific field of work but sighhhhh I just don't know what I'm doing in this course.

But one of the things I like about it is attachment every week :) :)

Yesterday the four year old kid who loves clinging onto me kissed me on the lips and just that made my day HAHA k don't laugh, I know it's just a small thing.

Alright off to meet Jiamin and Jillene for brunch. And there's Aca tonight :) :)

It will be a better day today.

2011-06-28T20:12:00.006+08:00

Why make things awkward and difficult just when I was starting to forget

Why let love come in the way of friendship

I thought we could be best friends without letting your feelings come in the way but I guess not.

Sorry, really sorry. Things have changed and I cannot act as if nothing happened.

Yes I'm filled with guilt and I feel bad that I've to hurt you but.. that feeling only lasted for a short while.

I've come to realize that my personality has gotten colder as I succeed in ignoring the pain I've been growing numb to over the months after he left.

I guess if I told P that I'll wait for him to come back to me some day, he'll tell me the same thing too:

Sorry. Don't wait.

The same old sorry.

What does sorry even mean anyway? It doesn't mend any broken heart. It doesn't change those fuzzy thoughts of floating away. It doesn't take away that burning pain that drains your energy.

Still, I'm really sorry to you.

It's an ordinary 28th of the month again.

Way back, I looked forward to spending everyday with him and this day of the month used to be significant.

But now, there's another significant for him.

It's alright, it's okay.

2011-06-27T20:36:00.006+08:00

Severe monday blues today!

Maybe cause I'm just feeling way too shagged and deprived of sleep to the point that I rather sleep during the exam than answer the questions properly, to the point where I've been singing the same song on repeat mode all day long in an irritating sleepy tone, laughing over everything even if it's not that funny, not bothering to reply texts immediately, yawning every once in a while, and so on.

I miss those secondary school lessons where I have the luxury to put my head down on the table and just sleep whenever I'm feeling tired or just not caring about what the teacher's saying.

Yeah I miss those days.. I miss upper secondary school life. I'll probably do anything to get the past two years back.

Shall visit bm soon! Miss Kong, Miss Prema and the rest :) Miss them all.

2011-06-26T14:35:00.000+08:00

Who likes to be stuck in a beautiful past of two lovers when the other has moved on and gotten over it so quickly

I hate it. Nobody likes to be stuck in the past.

So so tired.. Wish I could sleep forever with both you and I in my dreams.

But here's the harsh reality and truth. And I have to learn to accept that you've ended everything that you started even if I refuse to.

2011-06-25T20:30:00.008+08:00

Great time w Nikki today :) Talk talk talk non-stop, HK food, tons of shots, a little bit of the old times @ Banyan, and shopping!

But she couldn't stop asking about you.

***

You're not mine to miss anymore.

Okay.

Term break's almost over. Exam on Monday and I don't even have the mood to start mugging for it..

This is what happens when I tumblr, chat, webcam and whatever online during lectures & tutorials.

Assignments also not started. Since when have I become such a last-minute kind of person?

All the best to me.

Love is something you can shape when it breaks.

All it takes is some trying.

But it's impossible and painful as hell when only one party is trying and still loving.

2011-06-24T23:34:00.002+08:00

The truest of the best ♥ :)

2011-06-22T20:41:00.004+08:00

I was just reminiscing and looking through my older blog where I found silly good old photos, me talking about love for more than half of every post, me typing like how a normal secondary 2 xiao mei mei would type, me blogging about every single detail from morning till night of the day, me whining about immature stuff (I was like wtf at every post where I would bitch cause I couldn't believe I was such an immature girl), me talking about how much I love my friends and all.....

I couldn't help but cry and laugh at my own posts. Long long gone are those days.

Still can't bear to read this blog's archives though.

Spent yesterday afternoon with Julian and co. and I miss them already sighh

And I'm supposed to be in the middle of either Aca camp or Challengers but I'm in neither cause of all timings I got to fall sick now :(

Hopefully I'm well enough tomorrow to stop slacking and start studying for my upcoming exam.

Follow your heart, follow your heart, follow my heart.

2011-06-20T14:02:00.005+08:00

You said move on, where do I go? I guess second best is all I will know.

He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth. He pulled me in.. I was disgusted with myself.

Cause when I'm with him, I'm thinking of you.

Feels goooood waking up at noon on a Monday. On normal school Mondays I've to get up by 6:30am :(

But thankfully that's the only day when first tutorial starts at 9am. The rest is either attachment or 11am ^^

So.. The first half of sem went a little like this

In conclusion, we camwhore alot! It's what everyone seems to be doing. Maybe it will die down in second half of sem.

Hehe my clique's awesome :) Very entertaining and outgoing kind of people.

I have manymany pictures actually but I'll just post some of the favourite moments up. From oldest to most recent :)

^ Went to visit Miss Kong with Tianxi and Yingrong one fine afternoon.

^ USS w Mum, cousins, aunt & nephew long long time ago. I only went cause Mum said she wanted my company and also ended up not going for the Human/Cylon ride :(

Hope to go again with friends next time!

^ Baking again @ my place! This time we did cupcakes but I preferred the first time round when we baked cookies.

^ Seoul Garden w Shengwei, Phu & Don! :)

^ FAMINE CAMP. Weak but still able to camwhore.

Miss all of them so so much :')

A year ago, I was a really happy girl and I thought my life was perfect and I couldn't ask for anything more.

But what I didn't know then was that I was a month away from the start of a difficult and painful period.

What I didn't see coming was that my relationship with someone whom I love so much.. Was going to fall apart.

About this time last year, everything was different.

What doesn't kill you really made you wish it did.

2011-06-19T17:58:00.007+08:00

One week of holidays past just like that.

Monday I went out with Nic and Kevin for a movie + talk about life + lunch.

Went to meet 4D after that at Vivo and spent time catching up! So good to see all the girls again :)

But that night ended terribly and if Wenyi hadn't accompanied me home I would have done something stupid.

I shouldn't have broken down like how I break down when I'm alone. When she told me she and Ahmala almost cried just watching me, I felt so so terrible.

Still I love them so so much. Bad things make you realize the good things even if it's the littlest things.

The next day I went for attachment and had lunch with Yanhong. I love love love the children at the childcare centre I'm attached to! Esp this 4 year old boy who clings onto me and hugs me tightly, plays with my hair, holds onto my hand during lesson time. He's so so cute, heh.

The next I caught up with Kenneth over lunch, Aca again after that, and dinner with family at Orchard.

The next I caught up with Phulwin over lunch and Aca till 10pm plus! It was when I realized I really enjoyed Acapella. Singing and just letting loose with the rest of the girls.. Really fun :)

And the next, which was Friday, I had Famine camp. Fast for 30hours you know!! I was really hungry and weak by Saturday afternoon man.

But all went well! People from all over signed up from the camp. At first I thought it was just Ngee Ann's HMS students as it was made compulsory for us. But there were people from everywhere; ACJC, ACSI, TPJC, VJC, Temasek Poly..

Camp ended last night. Still recovering from fatigue and I've got another camp this coming week :(

After this upcoming week's over, school reopens.

Super lazy, excited and happy about it. Because it's like.. The biggest distraction I have right now.

Now that I know, somehow I can't stop myself from imagining stuff..

There's a good thing though. I'm not feeling so bitter anymore because our love was real and true.

But why is it I'm in so much more pain right now?

2011-06-12T22:42:00.001+08:00

Damn it.. No it's not supposed to feel this way.

Must. Control.

2011-06-10T01:31:00.002+08:00

But telling you that I'm not worth all your tears is like contradicting myself cause I'm crying over someone who probably doesn't feel hurt even after knowing that I'm falling apart even further.

2011-06-09T01:21:00.005+08:00

Every morning I wake up, how I wish you never gave up on our love and given us another chance.

Every night before I go to sleep, my heart aches as I think of you and I wonder if you're thinking of somebody else instead.

2011-06-01T20:48:00.005+08:00

I was hoping for another chance. But with your answer, I know you're happy with your life now..

That's great for you. 习惯就好，习惯就好。

I'll try not to cry anymore. Try not to do anything silly. Try not to contact you forever. Yes, forever.

I promise you I'll be gone for real this time round. I won't just pop out of nowhere anymore and ask how's life, making myself appear like a fool, making things awkward and difficult for you.

I'll be gone.

But hey, there's one thing, which I guess you already know.

I love you, Pq. Even if you don't anymore.

2011-05-31T20:32:00.001+08:00

:')

2011-05-31T00:50:00.002+08:00

My head's spinning, my tired heart's beating so slow, my eyes and chest are hurting, I can't breathe.

2011-05-30T10:59:00.000+08:00

It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do.

2011-05-29T00:54:00.001+08:00

Guess I won't be sleeping tonight

2011-05-28T23:04:00.000+08:00

I guess the tissue paper which I wrote on a year back is long gone, burnt, thrown away, forgotten.

I guess the rings are either somewhere lying behind your table or left where our photo used to be or maybe, long gone burnt thrown away forgotten too.

I went back to my old place the other day.

Everything looked different. But I could still picture the old setting of my room. Of how we would lie down in bed watching movies. Of how I would watch you sleep or the other way round but that was pretty rare.. Of how we spent the first valentines together. Of how you would call to tell me you're outside my place and when I looked down at my window, there you were smiling at me.

I had to get out before I broke down.

I'm a little sick I admit. I do things that remind me of us. Infact, everything seems to remind me of you.

While you probably don't even spend a minute thinking of me.

I cannot believe what my friend said about A. Cannot believe!

Okay fine. It shouldn't bother me since it's that way for him too.

And yes, I know I'm being unfair by pushing away new people who are trying to get into my life but I am not going to get myself too attached to anyone else anymore because in the end, either I'll hurt them or the other way round.

Oh well... back to dreaming tonight.

2011-05-21T12:14:00.002+08:00

You've been appearing in almost every single dream each night..

If my dreams are the only place where I see you, I don't mind sleeping and just dreaming of us forever.

But what exactly is forever when our forever didn't last forever?

2011-05-12T19:51:00.000+08:00

I wish you miss me as much I miss you.

I miss you, so so much

2011-04-23T10:40:00.004+08:00

It's been long. Everytime I talk about you or blog about you, I promise myself it would be the last.

But I always let myself down and still look back on the past all the time.

I'm your first true love. You always said that and I used to say you're my second but I loved you more than I loved my first.

But then I realized that you're mine too only after everything ended and I was reflecting the past few years of my life.

I've never stopped loving you.

I don't think I'll ever meet someone as perfect as you.

I don't think I'll ever be in another relationship as perfect as ours was.

But whatever happens, happens right?

Dear, this is goodbye for good now.

I hope you'll always remember me, everything we went through together that strengthened our love, and all the feelings we ever felt.

Xoxo.

2011-04-14T19:58:00.002+08:00

There's got to be some way to erase you for good.

There's got to be some way to stop the memories from flashing in my mind all the time.

There's got to be some way that one can lose her memory permanently, forever.

And it would be as if I never once knew you, never once had a beautiful relationship with you, never once saw love in your eyes, never once knew myself and the past that only you and I know.

2011-04-12T21:09:00.006+08:00

Oh fuck. Sometimes I cannot believe the things that I do in a rash.

I'm not really expecting anything.. But hoping, yes. Full of hope which I guess would be crushed in the end.

I was looking at myself in the mirror after the break down and I didn't know whether to mock myself or feel stupid.

Both, I guess.

I think I really need to know the truth, the real reason why everything fell apart.

Till then, my heart wouldn't rest. Till then, my mind wouldn't stop thinking about it. And till then, flashbacks will break me even further.

My 4 hour rule is back. And it really sucks when the pain kicks in.

As much as I hate the hospital, I must go back. Must.

So there's a saying, 'Make new friends, but keep the old'.

Oh boy, you're so caught up with your new life that you've forgotten haven't you?

I don't deny I miss who you used to be when we were close. But you've obviously changed.

Okay whatever. You said you were yourself when with me but I doubt so now..

Omg my heart skipped a beat when I read that status.

2011-04-10T16:53:00.012+08:00

TX's birthday surprise:

Headed to Tiong early in the morning looking for a cake. Thank goodness there was Polar Puffs & Cakes! I had to sort of plead with the people working there as it wasn't open for the day yet. Had to explain that I'm in dying need of a cake hahaha. So we ended up getting a nutella cake and IT WAS GOOD. I don't know about the rest but I liked it. Hope the birthday boy liked it too!

So the surprise went like that.

I told TX to meet us all at Tiong at 11plus while I met the rest at 10am at the nearest train station from his house. A silly 2min cab ride as we were afraid to miss him and thus surprise fail.

Finally found his block and got the cake ready, candles lit up.

First, the girls hid at the staircase area while YR and GY went to knock on his door.

YR & GY: HELLO.

TX: *Opens the door with a really shocked expression on his face* EH What are you guys doing here?

YR & GY: *mumbling something*

Afew seconds later...

TX: WTF HOW YOU KNOW WHERE I STAY

YR & GY: *Sings birthday song and all the girls came out while I carry cake and still laughing.

Cut cake > Cover TX's face with cake > Eat cake > Camwhore > Play bullshit > Chat > Left for lunch @ harbourfront's Pizza Hut > Goodbye.

Had an awesome time and I'm so glad the surprise worked out :)

TX's a great friend whom I can bullshit with and rant my troubles to so I wanted to do something special for him and this was it!

Other than birthdays, hope to have even more meet ups with them soon :)

Getting hot and sticky @ Sentosa, Playing sperm & egg, Hanging out, Catching up:

Looking even tanner than before now :(

Couldn't join them for dinner as I already had a date with Wenyi.

Talked alot and alot, went to see Qianni at work and by the time I reach home, I was dead beat.

I miss secondary school life. You get to see your friends every other day and no doubt we have to study like mad, but we get to spend time together.

"Best friends are people you don't need to talk to every single day. You don't need to talk to each other for weeks, but when you do, it's as if you didn't even stop talking."

***

And it's my last five days. LAST FIVE DAYS. :(
Why oh why do I get attached to people so easily..
For my last three months plus, I've been spending alot of time with them.
They are adults that are so so funny, still young at heart, and their company is almost enough to keep me occupied.
They tell me about about their teenage years and that things change alot after they've matured; from that, I've truly learnt alot.
I'm going to miss them so much.
I'm going to miss working with them, slacking and snacking at work, watching drama or blast music out loud when manager's not around, random car rides in the middle of work, good lunches, everything about the time I've spent with them.

2011-04-10T15:00:00.002+08:00

I tell people I miss you so much, they go what the hell.

I tell people that I miss us, that I miss the very cheerful girl I was when we were together.

I tell people if I were to choose my life and choices all over again, it would still be you.

I tell people that the truth is up till now there is no one else I rather be with than you, they think I'm crazy.

I tell people that there are times I am not myself and I have this strong urge to... And they scold me.

It's been 7 months plus. 7 long months. And I'm still so pathetic.

On the surface, many things happened.

D came, he left, he came back, I left. But we are great friends now, I suppose. Friends who don't talk everyday, who don't hang out as often as before, but deep down I know that we carry a special kind of friendship between us. And at times I wonder if he feels that way too.

Y came, A came, I was in a mess.

I left Y heartbroken, A left me dumbfounded, and I had to suffer alot of guilt and regret.

So that's on the surface.

I wonder if Y knows that I still feel sorry, that I still wished I never left him.

I wonder if A knows that the sight of him now doesn't kill me anymore, but makes my blood boil a little.

I wonder if anyone knows how mad I am at myself, how pathetic I feel about myself, how much I hate life sometimes.

I learnt that it's normal that people come into your lives and leave just like that. Easy come, Easy go; they say.

So many things happened on the surface.

But deep down inside, beneath the surface, when I look back at the past 7 months.. I realised one thing.

I was never in love with someone else.

I've been in love with the same guy for 2 years plus now and sometimes I feel as if I'm waiting for something that is never going to happen.

All of it, my wishful thinking.

And it's alright, really. I've come to learn how to just accept life as it is. I'm actually used to it.

I don't care if people think it's depressing, that I'm being too emotional. They don't know what I went through. They don't know how much we went through, how much our love grew over the two years we were together.

They don't know a single thing.

2011-04-07T20:07:00.000+08:00

2011-04-04T22:24:00.001+08:00

Please, why can't it be easy on me.

Please, take all of the pain away.

Please, come back.

Because I'm missing you so much that I feel myself losing it during nights when I'm most vulnerable..

2011-04-02T23:17:00.002+08:00

I need to control my spending SO badly.
It's not just shopping, shopping and shopping after pay day.
Worse than that. It's like a weekly thing. Every single week I'm sure to have at least one new something in my wardrobe or something new on my dressing table, or what.
Okay like lets say over this whole week, Fred Perry bag + 2 tops + 2 dresses + 2 Guess jeans + 3 rings/A pair of earrings/A necklace/Pair of shades + Manicure stuff + Pair of flip flops...... All my pay's going to run out one day if I keep buying stuff like that weekly. Someone save me and teach me how to manage my finance :(

I actually miss Freshies' Camp alot. Felt as if my group was the best group you could ever be in :)
Met them afew days back after work for take out dinner @ Scape but didn't get to talk much.
Some sort looking forward to Saturday's mass outing @ Sentosa!

Caught Sanctum today w Phu & co, Shopping @ Scape's flea w Bianca & her sist, Dinner w Yingrong & Guangyi.
Movie wasn't as good as I expected it to be.
Shopping for the first time w Bianca and I really enjoyed it :)

10 days till last day of work... I'm going to miss my colleagues alot. :(

2011-04-01T23:33:00.000+08:00

Did you forget everything we ever had?
Did you regret ever standing by my side?
Did you forget what we were feeling inside?

But somewhere we went wrong. We were once so strong.

And now I'm left to forget about us.

I feel myself fading away slowly, quietly.

2011-03-26T22:01:00.004+08:00

With some random happenings and mini heart attacks here and there, I feel as if the lord is testing me. Ha.

Today I realize I don't cry easily anymore. What happened today could have made me break down as I felt that slight ache in my heart but all I did was stare into blank space and absorb whatever was going around me, whatever I was hearing.

But whatever really. Whatever.

Been almost half a year. And I'm surprised I even survived this, I swear.

Anyway, I've been busy and lazy as well for the past few weeks.
Work, work, work. Lunching out with colleagues, that's the best part of the day.
Meet ups every weekend.
Was lucky enough, got selected for Freshmen Orientation 4D3N camp and it was awesome! Red Camp was great too and I miss it so much. Aiya, both camps were equally great with their own set of activities :)

Random photos taken from here and there!

Movie + Catch up with Atiqah:

Celebration dinner w Family:

The long friday:

Breakfast w Ahmala + Slacking @ work + Sushi buffet dinner @ Downtown East.

Baking @ my place with Atiqah & Wendy:

We bake super good cookies I tell you! Had a great time :)

Last day of Freshies' Camp:

Before the camp, I was feeling kind of nervous and scared I'll be socially awkward or what. But it all ended really well!
It was hard to say goodbye. My sub group ended up in tears and we were all hugging each other during finale. Great to see everyone all smiles for photo taking time! I definitely feel lucky to have been selected for the camp among the god knows how many freshmen that signed up for it cause I met many awesome people and the 4 days with them is something I'll remember for as long as I can :)

Snow, Snowy, Snowden:

Out to makan & chat right after camp with Yingrong and met these three adorable kids! We don't even know them. But when I first saw the boy, my spirits just lifted up and I started waving at them. Slowly three of them came to our table and we all started taking photos together. Snowy was so fascinated and interested in my camera and she spammed manymany shots (blur ones) haha.
We could easily get along with them. Now I'm sure me and Yingrong will succeed in our course.

I think they're adorable!

Much more photos up in facebook. Been feeling lazy to upload them right after the meet ups and now I'm too lazy to post them up here.

So March is coming to an end and it hasn't been really good. Seriously will April be good? Please be good. Please.

2011-03-15T21:51:00.000+08:00

We will all die some day anyway.

2011-03-12T21:26:00.002+08:00

His AI audition and his story made me tear. And now this beautiful song.

2011-03-12T21:11:00.000+08:00

Too honest.

2011-03-10T19:27:00.006+08:00

She wrote,

" I lost someone I truly loved, someone I swore I would love forever.

It was the first time I really meant it when I said I wanted to take my own life away.

It was the first time that emptiness ever felt so empty and it was the most evil and sadistic feeling.

It was the first time I felt so much hatred for him. The first time I regretted ever falling in love because he broke not only my heart but myself too. I didn't even know who I was anymore.

Became great friends with D while still trying to salvage the almost broken relationship. What I didn't see coming was that D grew very fond of me and wanted me so badly.

We hung out alot and though I was heartbroken still, I felt happy. D didn't like it that I was still in contact with him but he always said that I wasn't his girl and so he has no rights to say whatever.

Though D was important to me at that point of time, D wasn't enough to stop me from talking to him.

Sadly, I could see that he was giving up on me, us, himself, our love. And for a second there I thought that whatever happened for the past two years was fake. All of it, fake.

For a while, I was determined to move on. Determined to get him out of my life.

And so I promised myself one last meeting and no more contacting him till I felt sure that I wouldn't break down if I were to see his text, hear his voice, and maybe see him in person. Sure it hurt like hell to not know what was going on in his life for he was my life for a long long time. But I knew that if I stayed away, it would be better.

At the same time, D and I became closer and eventually I started to like him. Yes I won't deny that partially, I was using D to try and move on and forget him. But feelings were there and it's something you can't run away from. So I told D. But D felt inferior, so inferior, that all he said to me was not to like him.

I was hurt, angry and confused. But what was the pain compared to the heartbreak I was still recovering from? Nothing.

After a while, D came back and tried fixing things back to the way it was but I was just so tired of everything and so I pushed him away. And for that, I'm really sorry..

Then Y came into my life out of nowhere and he brought all smiles, laughter and happiness.

I was still a little lost from all the bullshit and heartache but feelings started to develop and Y felt the same way too. It was obvious. Everyone knew and could see. We knew and could see.

But I broke his heart.. Which up till now, I regret very much for Y was a great innocent guy. I never should have let him go. Never.

In the middle of me and Y, A came along.

A showed interest but I didn't return the same amount of interest as then, I was closer to Y.

And A already knew that there was something going on between me and Y.

But who knew that I would agree to go out for dinner even though it's going to be just both of us for the first time in the four years we've known each other? Who knew that I would pour out my past heart break to him, and actually trust him? Who knew that when he ask me to lie on his shoulder, my heart started racing and I felt something so strong after doing so? Who knew that I would one day cry on him with my arms over him? Who knew that he would just wake up one day and decide not to talk anymore? Not me.

I cried for nights after that. I guess it hurt so much because I almost fell for A.

And in the middle of all that tears over A, the past hits me so bad and all that's in my mind is him and the love that we had. I was so vulnerable. With the past clouding my mind, with my guilt for breaking Y's heart, with the confusion of why A left, with the anger at D for breaking my heart, I felt myself losing it.

Right now,

A and I are like complete strangers.

D recently apologized again for breaking my heart and frankly, I've forgotten and forgiven way back.

Y and I still talk but it's different now. There's no more of that joking, teasing, and indirectly expressing our like for each other.. I want to apologize again for being such a heartbreaker but I guess he wouldn't want to hear all of that.

I have so much to say to you. But I don't know where to start, or which to say first.

I have so much to ask you, like if your heart belongs to someone else now.. But I dare not.

And I know you wouldn't want to bring up the past cause you get sick just thinking about it.

Who knows, maybe I've been replaced..

And tell me, how can I forget my first true love? How could I ever forget my first serious relationship? How could I ever forget the way it feels even at the thought of him? How could I forget someone who gave me so much to remember? How could I forget that ...?

I can't. Unless maybe, I get into an accident and then into a coma and lose part of my memory.

But I can let go, I can forgive, and I can move on. Yeah. I can.

I'm probably being too honest writing all of these stuff. But there's no one else I would want to tell or say goodbye to. There's no other way to let you, you, you and you know. And there's a reason, soon you'll see.

Xoxo. "

2011-03-09T20:36:00.005+08:00

Fuck it

2011-03-04T21:27:00.002+08:00

I feel so stuck in the past.

2011-02-27T21:46:00.000+08:00

2011-02-26T22:33:00.002+08:00

Kbox with chalet guys and co.

First, met up with Ahmala for breakfast! Finally caught up with her after what feels like so long. Glad she loves what I got for her birthday which I admitted wasn't expensive. Knowing she loves printing her favourite photos, I thought a photo album was perfect :)

After that, headed down to Cineleisure for Kbox session. Super regret not going to Mt. Faber's one! For about half an hour, we called service many times cause the sensor of the remote control was always screwing up and in the end they extended our session.

Wanted to catch a movie after that but tickets for almost every movie @ Cineleisure's Cathay was either selling very very fast or sold out so we ended up walking to Ion for dinner @ Bali Thai! (Y)

On the way there, we also found many people in white tshirts carrying sign boards saying 'FREE HUGS!'.

Then we went up to one of the big groups and found out they're my future schoolmates and some even my course mates! Small world mannn.

We ended up having a super big group hug in the middle of orchard road haha.

Group photo!

Today I learnt that it's really tiring to be out for an entire day when I'm still in the mids of recovering from one week of flu + cough + sore throat and food poisoning :/

Super boring week ahead. Work work work only. *sighs*

2011-02-23T20:14:00.000+08:00

- I can let go, I can forgive, I can move on, but I will never stop loving you.

2011-02-20T00:37:00.003+08:00

I'm so unstable I'm so vulnerable when can I keep this up till I can't stay strong forever

2011-02-19T22:23:00.005+08:00

So.. Shopping today with Wendy, Wenyi and the guys. Not as great as my previous one. Bought two items only :(

Wanted to go Haji Lane too but just when we were about to head towards there, it started raining. So we ended up slacking at the garden outside The National Library's study lounge.

Had starbucks after sooooo long. (Y)

And I'm really glad Wenyi likes the twin necklaces I got! Had a super hard time choosing over the so many choices. MADE IN KOREA. Haha okay big deal. Glad she likes it anyway :)

Resting @ home tomorrow in hope I'll recover before the new week starts. I don't understand how I suddenly woke up feeling terrible yesterday :( Wanted to rest at home today but felt bad just thinking about backing out today's outing.

Next week: 127 hours with Benny, Just go with it with cousin, B&J's and shopping too maybe with Phu, Universal Studios/Kbox session/Sentosa with chalet guys and co. = $$$ slowly depleting too.

BUT, NEXT WEEK ALSO: GETTING MY SECOND PAY FROM CURRENT JOB FUCK YEAH ^^

2011-02-17T23:11:00.003+08:00

Okay I'm going to rest early tonight and dream.

2011-02-14T22:15:00.000+08:00

Happy Valentine's Day.

2011-02-13T23:14:00.002+08:00

I can feel you forgetting me, entirely. And that is really really hard to deal with..

2011-02-13T16:47:00.005+08:00

You. Six months ago. Now, does it still hurt?

2011-02-12T20:50:00.003+08:00

Why I enjoy going to work :

Probably the greatest adults I know aside from my parents.

I really enjoy their company during work and lunch :)

2011-02-10T22:54:00.002+08:00

It's been long. And yet the blood from the wound still seems fresh.